Making it Up As I Go

You all know of my deep and abiding love of Dancing with the Stars. After having watched 7 seasons, I’m noticing some trends, so these are my predictions for the coming season. Let’s see how right I am.

Chuck Wicks and Julianne : The gimmick here is that they’re dating in real life. I predict at least one tear filled segment about how he doesn’t take this seriously, and thus, doesn’t take her life’s work seriously. Also, I predict we will see them singing together at least once, whether in a training segment (they need to reconnect and unwind) or during a Pro number.

Steve Wozniak and Karina: Steve will either be the first to go or will stay around way too long. As charming as he seems, and as long as I’d like him to stay, if only to watch his analyzing the process of dance slowly make Karina’s head explode, I hope he goes sooner than later. I just hate Karina’s face.

Belinda Carlisle and Jonathan: Many comments will be made about Belinda inspiring “older women” everywhere to follow their dreams. Never mind that she’s only 51. Her tango will be strong. She will go home solidly mid-season.

David Alan Grier and Kym Johnson: I can’t yet decide if I’m predicting David’s humor will get old or not. I’m hedging on the side of it not getting old, and him gaining popularity as the season progresses. I predict at least one argument with the judges. His strength will be ballroom, rather than latin- the judges will either chide him for not having enough fun with it, or for goofing off and not taking it seriously enough.

Shawn Johnson and Mark : Rumors will abound that they are dating. There will be plenty of comments from the judges about needing to break through her shell to show her emotions- most likely during the rhumba; whether or not this is really a valid criticism. The tide will turn halfway through the season and her youth will be held against her by the judges, but then there will be a “breakthrough” performance, when she gets over her imagined issues and the judges are back on her side. They will have a practice segment involving dancing at Disneyland.

Lil’Kim and Derek :Rumors will also swirl that they are dating. Kim will surprise the judges with her grace in the ballroom numbers, but won’t get overwhelming scores. At least once Len will scold them for inserting hip hop moves into their dance. Kim will cry at least once during the season, but most likely in regards to talking about something in her past, not because of frustration with dancing.

Holly Madison and Dimitry: The judges will consistently bemoan Holly’s hotness to dancing ability ratio. Bruno’s comments will border on incomprehensible and stalker-ish. There will be a practice segment, most likely for the rhumba, with Holly and Dimitry practicing on the beach. Dimitry will wear many chest baring outfits. Holly will probably do the same. She will go home early to mid-season, which will be sad because I love Dimitry. P.S. If they start dating I swear I will scream loud enough all of you will hear it.

Gilles Marini and Cheryl: They will continue playing up the whole super sexy thing in an attempt to win fans for someone who has none, and will continue verbally stressing the fact that he is super sexy, despite the fact that his young son is in the audience and it’s somewhat squicky. Luckily he can move, so that combined with the sexy thing should keep them in it for a while, as will the fact that Cheryl seems to enjoy dancing with him and therefore will be a joy to watch and people will vote for her. There will be a practice segment in a pool. There will also be rumors that he is leaving his wife for her.

Ty Murray and Chelsie: Unfortunately, I don’t see them lasting long. He’s just too hesitant. If they make it to the rhumba, she will have to bring Jewel in to reassure him that it’s ok for him to be sexy with a girl half his age. There will be a practice segment on his ranch or involving a mechanical bull.

Steve-O and Lacey: The judges will persist in being convinced he’s not taking things seriously, which will lead to much frustration on his part. There will be good, solid dancing, despite scoldings for being unconventional. Lacey will end up with a complete and total crush on him, while her constant touching him will make him crazy. There will be crying.

Denise Richards and Maksim: Again, there will be much bemoaning the hotness to dance ability ratio. She will continue to be somewhat stiff and awkward, Maks will make her cry multiple times; if she lasts long enough, her daughters will come to see her practice. She’ll go home fairly early on.

Lawrence Taylor and Edyta:There will be continued references to Emmitt Smith and Jason Taylor, which will frustrate Lawrence. There will be a practice segment where Edyta accompanies him to a football game. Edyta’s outfits will continue to be insanely skimpy and I will continue to adore her for it. They’ll make it beyond the half way mark of the season.

Melissa Rycroft and Tony: After coming out so strong this week, Melissa will falter next week but rally after that. She’ll keep getting votes, so it won’t matter either way.

I’m predicting Shawn Johnson, Melissa Rycroft, Gilles Marini, Lawrence Taylor, David Alan Grier and Steve-O will be there past mid-season.

There will be injuries (probably Denise and Holly), but none severe enough to send people home.

I may amend all of these next week when we see the second dances, but for now, that’s how I call it.

Did you watch? What did you think?